Making first contact - what to do and what to avoid

Posted: 3/14/2009

Sending the initial message to a user on a dating site can be a difficult process. What to say, how to phrase it, etc. This article covers the do's and don'ts of sending that initial message, as well as some suggestions on how to prepare yourself to write that first message.

Preparation:

Before contacting members, be sure that your own profile is complete. Do you have a picture? Profiles with pictures are more likely to receive messages from users than those without pictures. Have you provided information about yourself? Chances are that users are going to read up on you before contacting you, so make sure that your profile provides an accurate portrayal of who you are.

Be sure to read the user%uFFFDs profile! Make sure that the user is more than just a pretty face. Make note of anything that you have in common, or any interesting items that the user has listed. Chances are, if its in their profile, it%uFFFDs something they want to interact with others on.

Keep an eye out for any deal breakers %uFFFD maybe the user has different religious or family values, or has an opposite desire for children. If the user lists any deal breakers that would exclude you, move on to someone else as you are unlikely to get a response.

What to do in that first message:

• Touch on common interests - breaking the ice over a common interest is a great way to get past the initial awkwardness of talking to someone new. Do you like similar music? Share similar interests? Then touch upon those in your initial message
• Be original %uFFFD some members get dozens of messages a day, make sure your message stands out from the rest. Project your personality to show what sets you apart. Sending a copy and paste message to several users is less likely to get a response than sending a unique message catering to the individual.
• Be funny %uFFFD humor is an easy way to get noticed and to establish a bond. That being said, make sure your humor is inline with the person you%uFFFDre contacting %uFFFD not everyone enjoys dead baby jokes!
• Ask questions %uFFFD the best way to get a response is to draw the other person into a conversation. Ask them about something in their profile, or something present in one of their pictures. At the same time, be careful not to turn the message into 20 questions.

• Don%uFFFDt send a one liner %uFFFD If you send a message that%uFFFDs too brief, chances are it will be ignored. Messages consisting of only %uFFFDhow%uFFFDs it going?%uFFFD or %uFFFDI just want to say hi%uFFFD are unlikely to get attention from the member you%uFFFDre contacting.
• Don%uFFFDt be crude %uFFFD being crude or overly sexual in an initial email is likely to get you ignored, blocked or even reported
• Don%uFFFDt ramble %uFFFD keep your initial message concise. Not everyone is going to be interested in reading a manifesto from a complete stranger
• Don%uFFFDt get hung up on expecting  a response %uFFFD don%uFFFDt put all of your eggs in one basket %uFFFD there are many singles out there so don%uFFFDt be concerned if you don%uFFFDt get a response to every message you send, just be prepared to move on and keep looking.
• Don%uFFFDt lie %uFFFD if you%uFFFDre short, don%uFFFDt claim to be 6 feet tall. If you%uFFFDre a few pounds overweight, don%uFFFDt claim to be skinny. While lies may get initial responses, they are more likely to sabotage any future interactions that you might have.